To Be, or Not To Be?

So, I have quite the serious thoughts to post this evening. And, I will be asking for input and thoughts at the end.

It has been quite the busy few weeks as it's been more than I can do to just barely survive with work. I have been so exhausted that I come home and crash and when I'm on the road it's all I can do to smile and be polite with those I'm speaking to. lol. I actually spent the last few weekends in bed because I get to the end of the week and my body rebels -- I was spotting consistenly too much. Basically, I have a hard time slowing down and letting my body develop this tiny life inside of me. I'd forgotten that it's no longer just about me, but that I have a life inside that is dependent on me taking care of my own self so he/she can thrive and grow. So what did I do this week? Only was out 1 night this week and spent the entire day today resting -- even got a massage!! Now I have the fireplace on and will be watching a movie -- my husband gets back into town tonight and I can't wait! I'm sure I'll be asleep on the couch when he arrives, but nonetheless, there will be someone home tomorrow to watch the Super Bowl with!

Ok, for my serious thoughts:

Greg and I were talking last week about what my routine will look like once Baby Davis is here -- do I continue to work full time and hire a nanny, do I work part time and do part time nanny, or do I not work at all for one whole entire year and then re-evaluate about going back? These are the questions we talked about, and funny because before we both thought, "hey, keep working, hire the nanny, and do both." Well, there are mixed emotions for us on all these thoughts. If I continue full time, I'd be home 1 day a week and travel about 2x a month to DC or NY, but I'd be gone for a full 10hr day all week. We'd have a full time nanny to be here at the home so that during bball season, for example, there is 24/7 care when we're not around. On the other hand, even though we'd trust and love this nanny, do I really want to spend that much time away from a newborn? Or do I want to take that 12 months and begin to write on our child's blank slate the things that we want to see in our child? Am I willing to give up what I see for myself as pleasure and fulfillment and replace it with another, and if I do, will it be fulfilling? And most importantly in all this -- what does God want us to do as parents in our situation? My job is purely just for me -- the income is great, don't get me wrong -- but if I were not working, it would not hinder us. Then there is just me scarred because in the midst of all this change, I will have no "known" to return to. Everything for me will change and if I didn't return to work , that would be the one common, or known, factor that would not be existent. And for the first time, I had to be honest and ask myself this question, "Do I know who I am without my occupation? Do I put value in what I do instead of who I truly am?" Ah yes...that tis a humbling question! But yes, I can answer yes in that. I do know who I am outside of my occupation, but then why is it so hard to think of having to give up?

So, I want to hear from you all who are moms--or not :). I want to hear from you if you're a working or home mother. I want to hear what your pros and cons are and I want to know if I'm the only one that feels the way I do right now. I want your input and thoughts! Please feel free to post instead of email. Looking forward to reading your thoughts and stories!